Is there anything better than skateboarding with ear buds throbbing that one-two combo of misogynistic syllable slayers pontificating over soiled beats? Possibly, but I haven’t met her yet.

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{My work email is visible on my portfolio website, and this attracts a wealth of spam. That address isn’t routed through my primary Gmail account like the rest, so I get to see every single one of those messages. They’re typically cut from two cloths. Either they’ll be the variety that pushes penis enlargements through superfluous exclamation points and all caps (“ADD 10 INCHES IN THE TIME IT TAKES YOU TO FINISH READING THIS SENTENCE!!!!!!!!”“), or they’re the type that are meant to trigger your financial yearnings with sophisticated business propositions in lofty language (“My estate maximized its potential after I donated my last kidney to charitable organizations….”)

Either way, I want to respond to each and every one of them in a timely fashion, which can be a chore. I’ve cooked up some standard reply text to make my online reputation easier to maintain. Feel free copy and paste it for your own spam frying.}

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[Today’s Date]

Dearest Sir/Ma’am/Organization,

Thank you for that insightful electronic-mail proposition. Often I find myself staring at an empty inbox, wondering, How will I next invest in my penis/future? Today you’ve answered that question for me. I will do it through you and/or your company.

The problem is, my bank account is currently frozen. Inconvenient, to say the least. It’s all part of an almost cinematic mix-up, with details and plot threads so complex and labyrinthine, I’d never be able to explain it to you fully without several hours, a ream of nonsensical spreadsheets in 6 pt. monospace type, and a bottle of bourbon. (See? Even that sentence about it was bor-ring.) Long story short, I’m coming up short and I need your help.

If you are in the United States, please immediately send your credit card number, expiration date, and 3-digit secret code. Include your social security number to ensure successful processing.

If your operations are abroad, quickly send me the deed to your house/flat/property:

[Your Name and Address]

Thank you for your time/identity.

Sincerely,
[Your Name]

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“In our sun-down perambulations, of late, through the outer parts of Brooklyn, we have observed several parties of youngsters playing “base”, a certain game of ball…. Let us go forth awhile, and get better air in our lungs. Let us leave our close rooms… the game of ball is glorious.”

-Walt Whitman, 1846

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“GEE-NAH! GEE-NAH! GEE-NAH! GEE-NAH GEE-NAH! GEE-NAH! GEE-NAH! GET ME A CIGARETTE, BABY! IT’S BEDTIME.”

-My Neighbor Charles, heard through the floor at 11:47 PM.

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